Walking with my fears and feeling an intimacy with life

Hello there!

I just sent an 'important' email and my heart is beating fast. What if I made a mistake? What if there's something totally wrong with it? And just a general sense of 'Oh, it was so much better till I sent it' :D.

Fear is and has been my constant companion in life. I have denied its existence by refusing to connect with what I feel, I have tried pushing through, acting tough, giving pep talks to myself, getting irritated at loved ones, sitting for long periods of time, and so on. And these are all coping strategies for dealing with something I find difficult, and sometimes they kind-of work.

But one of the big shifts within me happened when I read a book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It showed me that it was possible to just observe life, even in moments where it seems to be rough. Accepting a moment as it is, not by being indifferent but by opening up our hearts and letting feelings in.

This was when I first started to get an insight into my fears and how they might relate to all the muscle tension and potentially other chronic disorders in my body. Since then, I have been on this journey to get acquainted with my fears. The original intention was to 'solve' my fears and get rid of them. Now, I have a humbler goal of just being able to see them and walk with them. Some practices and resources that help me are:

• Psycho-somatic therapy: Where I learned to observe where I feel something in my body. And then just placing my hand there and trying to feel my hand from the inside. It creates this sense of space within me which is a relief.
• 12-step programs: Where I learn to articulate and accept all parts of me - also the ones that are selfish, mean, afraid, victim-like, etc
• Morning pages: That taught me to see my thoughts just as they are, and to get to know myself without censoring with morality, judgment, solutions, etc.
• Books by Pema Chodron, e.g., The places that scare you

Of course, it takes time to learn new habits, but in the moments where I am able to let myself feel fear, observe it and accept it, and articulate or share it without expecting someone to solve it, I feel this soft, intimate connection with life. Like I dip my toes into the waves of a vast ocean. And that feeling is precious.

How do you walk with your fears?

Thanks for reading,

Beant